A few weeks ago I found a small retractable pointer in my desk. I think it belonged to Ashlee-Heather when she was younger. She probably got it from her dentist like the polaroid camera I have in my office. [On a side note, if my dentist gave away  polaroid cameras I probably would not have broke a tooth by chewing on a rambo action figure when I was younger.] Anyway, after I found the mentioned pointer  I decided to send out a tweet that said quote unquote “I’m bringing the retractable pointer back.”  After I tweeted that I found a supersized retractable pointer.  I like to carry this retractable pointer around and say to certain people “Can I point something out to you?” and most people say yeah and have a serious look on their face and then I extend the pointer and just point at something until one of us breaks the straight face. So without further ado I’d like to introduce you to a new segment entitled “Can I point something out?” in which I will point out a few things in no particular order besides numerical. and sometimes alphabetical. and on the rare occasion tallest to shortest. and single file.

1.) Today is Family Day in Canada. Do not under any circumstances go to the mall on Family day.  Ashlee-Heather and I took a trip to the mall today and realized that two things are difficult on Family Day: a.)finding a parking spot in a mall that is overcrowded [I saw one dude standing in a spot holding it for someone. I was going to go confront him mano y mano and tell him that I'm gonna need that spot but thought the spot was already three miles from the mall.] and b.) finding a seat in the food court. Ashlee-Heather said it was like seagulls at a picnic circling for food. Pretty much when one person was finishing their last bite of food the next person was standing ready to take the table. We were staring at this one couple at their table for like half an hour but they didn’t get the hint. Once I thought to myself what my older brother would do we had no problem landing a table. Only when the mall is over capacity is it not awkward to share a four seat table in the foodcourt with strangers. Me and Ashlee-Heather had lunch with another family that was scouring for a table too.

2.)  I don’t really want to point anything else out. I just really wanted to talk about my retractable pointer.

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In other news, in March there will be a name change to this blog. We’ll have a new addition to Me, myself, and Ashlee-Heather. I guess technically we already have a new addition because of our cat Ardy but in March there will be a new baby boy Mackneer in town. I’m starting to get mentally prepared for the delivery day because when I was younger I passed out from doctors removing a callous on my big toe. I have a tendency to get light headed in hospitals. Also, let me know if you want me to call you from the hospital. I’m gonna make that commercial become a reality.

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And finally, I just want to close in pointing out that a retractable pointer is almost as awesome as a calculator watch. Good night Canada. Happy Presidents day America. I still rock my Barack t-shirt.

It’s 2012 baby and this blog has two resolutions

1. be aweseome.

2. Take names

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In other news, Ashlee-Heather and I have just completed a whirlwind trip to New Jersey to visit the family. It was a great time complete with a viewing of We Bought a Zoo. We went a couple times and it was sold out but that didn’t stop us from seeing it. It’s 2012 you gotta persevere. It was a good movie. I might buy it on DVD when it comes out since we lost Blockbuster in 2011. That was a big blow for me and Ashlee-Heather because we used to rent movies all the time. Now I have to wait till they get to the 2 for 10 bin at Walmart which could take upwards of 3-3.5 years for We Bought a Zoo.

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In yet other news, Ashlee-Heather and I received some new phones with an answering machine for Christmas from my oldest brother and sister in-law. In fact, the answering machine inspired this post entitled ‘New year. New answering machine.’ The thing about answering machines that is an underrated form of entertainment is recording the message for people to hear when they call. I was thinking about pulling the old “hello...long silence….hey we’re not home. gottcha’ trick so that the person who’s calling thinks they’re talking to us but it’s really the  answering machine.  It’s hard for me to do the voice recording with a straight face especially if Ashlee-Heather is in the vicinity. I kept recording it and then laughing or saying something awkward. Meanwhile, Ashlee-Heather did her recordings faster than this guy.  Sometimes Ashlee-Heather could be heard in the background when I was recording saying something about what I just recorded. I know for a fact that I kept saying “can you leave a message after the beep?” Ashlee-Heather said I didn’t need to say can you but I like to leave it as an option for the caller. Maybe the caller really can’t leave a message. I don’t want to force anyone to leave a message. it’s 2012.

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And finally, this morning at 10:08 A.M in the morning my glasses that I’ve been wearing since like 2000 broke in half. They had a good run. I probably stopped seeing properly out of them in or around 2003. Happy New Year Canada, America it was good seeing you again. It’s 2012 and all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. That’s from we bought a zoo and I just applied it to going to clean out my closet. Peace.

Last weekend I was invited to play shepherd # 3 in our church Christmas musical and I’d like to introduce you to a new segment entitled ‘Reflections from Shepherd # 3.”  The performance received some good reviews. It was pretty awesome. I didn’t have a staff at first to carry and I immediately rectified that situation by finding a stick that was quite a bit shorter than the other two shepherds and was partially broken. It was no surprise that it snapped further while I was sitting on the stage. I put part of my broken staff in one of the decoration plants in the lobby because I was focussing on my next scene. Me and Shepherd # 2 were making bets on how long that would stay there for. It’s probably still there. I’ll check tomorrow.

A few people were quoted after saying “Way to go, you didn’t mess any of your lines up.” and “I thought you had lines” and yet another person said “good job sitting.”  I kept saying “I felt good about that one” and “Photos in the lobby with Shepherd # 3″ I can’t quite remember what Ashlee-Heather said after but I’m sure she was speechless from the performance. I was trying to get an interpretive dance  written in but it wasn’t quite fitting into the musical. Next year hopefully. One of the highlights for me was seeing a couple youth in the hallway while I was waiting for my big scene and chasing after them saying “is that a stray sheep!” I like to stay in character. I remember asking one of them if I could put him over my shoulders for the next scene and he be a sheep.

The other day I texted the pastor in charge of the musical during our staff meeting and said “Hey, it’s Shepherd # 3″ He was sitting across the table from me leading the meeting. He looked at his phone with a confused look and said “What?”  Gotta keep ‘em guessing.

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In other news, Ashlee-Heather and I watched ‘Home Alone’ the other day on T.V. I think Home Alone is probably my fav Christmas movie. I used to like the Santa Clause featuring Tim the toolman taylor. Ashlee-Heather and I text lines to each other from Home Alone. That’s how we roll.

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And finally, Christmas season has returned. I’d like to leave you with a piece of advice about Christmas shopping that one of my friends told me when we were shopping one time for church. “Shopping is crazy during Christmas..get your elbows up!” Good night Canada, America I’ll be seeing you soon.

I found this video on my computer from a few years ago when me and my good friend talked about starting our own Church talk show called the Pew. It’s coming soon. Get your popcorn ready. We are going to sit on a pew and interview people. Let me know if you want to be the first guest. Right now it’s between Shane Claiborne, Bill Hybels, my cat Ardy, and our other friend Dean. To make it extra interesting we are also planning on filming on location at different church buildings that have pews. That might mean our guests are more likely to be security guards and church administrators trying to get us out of the building than Bill Hybels. I’ll keep you posted.

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I’d like to introduce a new segment entitled ‘The Book of Awkward Volume 1.’ I once tweeted that I was going to write a book called the Book of Awkward that would be like the Book of Awesome but just about Awkward things rather than Awesome things. If you ask me being awkward and being awesome go hand in hand.  So here is the first volume. Enjoy. Awkward night 2011 coming soon to youth groups everywhere.

Waving to someone who’s waving to someone behind you.
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This happened to me in High School and it was wicked (I think it’s time to bring that word back) awkward. This girl was waving to me in the hallway and I said to myself “hmm I don’t think we really know each other but she’s waving to me and looks excited.” So I waved back with a head nod. Meanwhile the other person she was waving at was behind me. To make matters even more awkward the girl that was waving had to tell me she was talking to the person behind me. AWKWARD.

Someone calling you by the wrong name
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This gets awkward because someone might call you by the wrong name so many times in a conversation that correcting them would be even more awkward. For the record, Ashlee-Heather gets this all the time. One time someone called her Angela. Another time Mandy. And yet another time it was Arlene. I sometimes call her Rhonda. One time I think it was during a prayer circle that someone was praying for Ashlee-Heather and called her a different name. At which point I opened my eyes and looked over at A-Heather. I’m glad she didn’t see me because we both probably would have start cracking up right then and there during the prayer circle. That would have been AWKWARD.

A joke that doesn’t work
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Crickets. AWKWARD.

Hearing your own voice recorded
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I get this one a lot because I like to leave messages on the answering machine at home when I know Ashlee-Heather is home but not answering. So I’ll leave a professional sounding message. “Hi, this message is for Ashlee-Heather Mackneer this is Jim calling from the insurance company…” I don’t know if this is actually awkward but those of you who’ve heard your own voice recorded you know it’s something. Awkward maybe not but it’s close. It also depends what you’ve recorded and who’s listening. It could be AWKWARD. When I was younger I used to call home and play my Cornet in the answering machine to the tune of Let’s Go Band. That was more awesome than awkward.

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Good night Canada, Stay awkward America.

I’m starting a new once a year segment entitled Sunday night Grey Cup update in which I give you an update on the Grey Cup. Update: I found out that the Grey Cup was today from Ashlee-Heather. Nuff said. Really though I had a dream last night that I was playing football and it was only three downs and I was in an argument with the team I was playing against saying there is 4 downs in football. And then I woke up with Ardy’s tail in my face.

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In other news, I don’t really know who won the Grey Cup but I can tell you that I have a Toronto Argonauts T-Shirt that says “Friend of the Argos” on it. I bought it from a thrift store. One time I was wearing that in Maine and a lady from Quebec saw me walking by and read my shirt aloud. She said “Friend of the Argos.” and then said ” hmmm I’m a friend of the Allouettes (Montreal’s CFL team)” I was about to say..  ”Oh really, one time I was in Montreal and tried to order some mcnuggets from mcdonald’s but the friend of the allouettes behind the counter wouldn’t give ‘em to me because I didn’t speak French.” but thought nah forget it yo homes to bel-air [I used this one before but it's so nice I got to see it twice]. I’m just joking they did give me the mcnuggets but I’m pretty sure one of my brothers didn’t get his hamburger.

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In yet other news, it’s a little known fact that Ashlee-Heather and I like to quote old Friends episodes to each other and sometimes even in public. The other day at the church we were moving some rocking chairs up some stairs for the first annual Rock-a-thon and I kept saying Pivot, Pivot, Pivvoot. Ashlee-Heather was diggin it. No one else knew what was going on. Rule # 32 “Enjoy the little things.” I also like to quote this one. Ashlee-Heather likes to text me lines sometimes. But not while driving.

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And finally, The Rock has come back. Good night Canada, and America I didn’t have turkey last Thursday. I’ll get you next year.

I’d like to introduce a new segment entitled “since you’ve been gone” in which I tell you a numerous amount of things that I’ve been up to since the last post over a year ago. This is based loosely on the song by Kelly Clarkson which I woke up singing the other day. You never know what you’re going to wake up singing. That sounds like a tweet to me. Anyway, Since you’ve been gone Ashlee-Heather and I are having a baby! Ashlee-Heather has been working on a master list of names for the baby which I think are mostly girly but she does have a few good ones which I won’t reveal yet. Here are a few that are on that list and you can come to your own conclusion. If you’re a guy reading this and have this name I don’t necessarily mean that you are girly but that Ashlee-Heather’s list is an economic girly man. Anyway, here are a few of the names.

Finn
Dawson
Riley
Sethy
Ashlee Jr.

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 In other news, since you’ve been gone I stopped a break-in in progress at my new church. Some young dude tried to roll up in there and steal stuff. I saw him and ran after him and hollered “Hey!” “Get Back Here!” and chased after him.  He was a quick little fella. Ashlee-Heather asked me what I would have done if I would have caught up to him. I probably would have just ran by him saying “nice night for an evening eh?”. Turns out he was just looking for the youth group. Just joking but that would have been pretty awesome. Now when I see youth I know at church I get a tough walk on and say “Is that the intruder?” You gotta mix it up now and then. 

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In yet other news, since you’ve been gone Ashlee-Heather and I also got a kitten and named him Ardy. If you want to see some photos I think A-Heather has about 907 of him on her facebook page. He is pretty cool cat (not to be confused with ‘The Cat’, that’s what we call my dad for his cat like instincts). Ardy’s almost like a dog. One time we locked him in our bedroom while we cleaned or something and he pooped on the bed. Cleaning his litter isn’t the greatest of jobs. I once made a poster for a competition in grade 6 (6th grade) that said “don’t be a quitter pick up your litter.” I wish I had that poster still, I’d post it right next to Ardy’s litter box. Ashlee-Heather “didn’t know” that pregnant people couldn’t clean the litter when we got Ardy. The other day A-Heather told me that Ardy is almost at the age where he’s ready for the salvation talk.

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And finally, since you’ve been gone I’ve taken up watching the Xfactor with this little guy who’s got mad rhymes. That’s just game recognizing game. Well, it’s good to be back. Good night Canada, and America swag it out. 

This blog is coming back. In the meantime enjoy the following picture of me.

If you want to trade me for those shades let me know. They’re flip ups to reading glasses. Non-perscription.

I’d probably be willing to trade that sweet green jacket too. If the price is right. Bob Barker edition.

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is coming back..tell your friends and colleagues. Until then..

Don’t miss it.

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